It's a cold and it's a broken...

For all the bleeding souls out there.

P.

Lost & Found

More often than not life takes away something. But then, it gives you something else. So I kinda lost you. And I got myself once again.

And damn, it feels good! I mean, knowing that you are whole without being in need of anything outside this moment, outside your own self.

I am free. In all the senses I want to be.

It's me again. ME. The selfish me. The me that needs spending time only with me. The me that enjoys equally the day's last cigarrette on the balcony on a summer night and a nice pleasantly melancholic conversation with an old friend.



I lost myself in you, long ago, in a different world, in a different age.



And now I am found once again. Love? I have lots of it, more than you can imagine. But should I spend it on you? It depends on YOU I guess (:

I will read books and I will live in my own highly private world. I will feel no need to share this world with anyone. I will watch movies and series, and I will listen to music, and I will furnish well this world of mine because what you left was not a mess - it was an empty home. But I am in it, finally, and I will start arranging, painting and tearing down walls. Real and mental ones.



HEY YOU! YES, YOU!



P.S. I know most probably you won't read this, or maybe you will when it's just a little bit late, when it has become nothing more than a bitter-sweet memory. But it doesn't matter. So, maybe I owe you a thank you. For all the things you gave and for all the things you took. For being there such a long time. For reminding me that I am the most important person to myself. Many thanks for being there for me, with all the bonuses and drawbacks. Take this as a goodbye. Not necessarily a goodbye to me, or us. But to a period of time in our lives. An epoch just ended. And a new one begins.


Saa ne... ;)

Heima

Може би винаги съм го знаела, но чак сега го осъзнах. Стаята ми, моята си стая, и бившата ми такава, но най-вече сегашната, е един музей. Музей на спомените. Пълно е с безполезни в чуждите очи дрънкулки, хартийки, играчки, картинки, снимки... Но те са моята история, те са моето сърце. Хората, които съм обичала и вече не са в живота ми. Нито аз в техния. Всяка вещ си има история, която мога да разкажа като приказка за лека нощ. Разликата е, че почти никога не свършват с щастлив край. Като се огледам наоколо ме заливат спомените. Чудя се понякога защо хората си заминаха. Пораснахме, отдалечихме се, вече дори не си говорим. Изобщо. Но те винаги ще имат място в сърцето ми. И не сте малко, хора, не сте. Не искам да е както беше, не е сълзливата носталгия по отминалите времена: и днес е добре. Отдавна не го бях казвала. Да, днешният ден беше хубав. И утрешният ще е хубав. И сега си имам специалните моменти. Но някак си го знам, знам го с цялото си същество, че всяко място, което в бъдеще ще мога да нарека дом, ще е съзнателно или не конструирано по същия начин. Музеят на сърцето ми. И затова от известно време не каня всеки вкъщи. И само ти можеш да пристъпваш в него със същата походка като мен. Помогни ми да го поддържам, да го доизградя. Не се превръщай в част от него. Моля те.

To be read to the accompaniment of D. Matthews: Grace is gone. It’s just the right mood.

October in the Chair

'Put it like that,' said November, 'and I feel better. I suppose we can't help who we are.'

I.believe

“I can believe things that are true and I can believe things that aren’t true and I can believe things where nobody knows if they’re true or not. I can believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and Marilyn Monroe and the Beatles and Elvis and Mister Ed. Listen — I believe that people are perfectible, that knowledge is infinite, that the world is run by secret banking cartels and is visited by aliens on a regular basis, nice ones that look like wrinkledy lemurs and bad ones who mutilate cattle and want our water and our women. I believe that the future sucks and I believe that the future rocks and I believe that one day White Buffalo Woman is going to come back and kick everyone’s ass. I believe that all men are just overgrown boys with deep problems communicating and that the decline in good sex in America is coincident with the decline in drive-in movie theaters from state to state. I believe that all politicians are unprincipled crooks and I still believe that they are better than the alternative. I believe that California is going to sink into the sea when the big one comes, while Florida is going to dissolve into madness and alligators and toxic waste. I believe that antibacterial soap is destroying our resistance to dirt and disease so that one day we’ll all be wiped out by the common cold like the Martians in War of the Worlds. I believe that the greatest poets of the last century were Edith Sitwell and Don Marquis, that jade is dried dragon sperm, and that thousands of years ago in a former life I was a one-armed Siberian shaman. I believe that mankind’s destiny lies in the stars. I believe that candy really did taste better when I was a kid, that it’s aerodynamically impossible for a bumblebee to fly, that light is a wave and a particle, that there’s a cat in a box somewhere who’s alive and dead at the same time (although if they don’t ever open the box to feed it it’ll eventually just be two different kinds of dead), and that there are stars in the universe billions of years older than the universe itself. I believe in a personal god who cares about me and worries and oversees everything I do. I believe in an impersonal god who set the universe in motion and went off to hang with her girlfriends and doesn’t even know that I’m alive. I believe in an empty and godless universe of causal chaos, background noise, and sheer blind luck. I believe that anyone who says that sex is overrated just hasn’t done it properly. I believe that anyone who claims to know what’s going on will lie about the little things too. I believe in absolute honesty and sensible social lies. I believe in a woman’s right to choose, a baby’s right to live, that while all human life is sacred there’s nothing wrong with the death penalty if you can trust the legal system implicitly, and that no one but a moron would ever trust the legal system. I believe that life is a game, that life is a cruel joke, and that life is what happens when you’re alive and that you might as well lie back and enjoy it.”

N.G.

... and I will take full responsibility for my beliefs. (: