Neverwhere

When have I started hating and loving so fiercely? I don't whant these stupid feelings. But I'm afraid I'd have nothing left if I tried to throw them away. Nothing - emptiness and apathy. I'd be hollow. The worse is that I'm not sure which is the better alternative.

I'd kill you gladly. Or would I? No, I don't think I would. I want to sometimes but after all... I let you go. You didn't come back and I doubt that you will.

There are so many people that die every day prematurely. People that want to live. Why not spare them, shapeless and midnless and cruel being? Take the ones who wish life no more and save the ones who are happy and want to continue on their way! Take me.

Darkness there, and nothing more... is all I see.

Neverwhere. That's where I am.

An empty bed in an empty room.

Сама съм и трябва да се науча (отново) да живея сама. През всяка секунда от деня мисълта, че съм сама трябва да е с мен. Защото иначе няма как да спра да се надявам, а ако се надявам... Няма да дочакам нищо. Ще са празни надежди. А надеждата и вярата са ми толкова оскъдни в момента, че не мисля, че мога да ги пропилявам.

Живея сама. През по-голямата част от деня няма на кого да кажа и една дума. Но така е по-добре може би. Единственият проблем е, че обстановката предразполага мислене, мисленето извиква спомени, а спомените - болка. Може би след време ще се променят нещата, или аз ще ги променя по-точно. Но не днес, не сега.

Толкова искам да пътувам. Да видя света: черно-бял или цветен, пуст или гъмжащ, тъжен или страстен... Но не искам, не мога сама. А няма с кой. Дори преди нямаше с кой. И това ми разбива сърцето (колко още...). Аз съм си виновна. Дано се ((по))(на)уча от грешките си - да не ги повтарям; да се променя. А е толкова трудно да се промениш... Особено когато обичаш.

П.П. Вече имам цяла спалня само за себе си. Както преди. Но сега ще спя по средата. Saa nee...

Wound Red

I can hear the same voice calling crying out from my heart. And that cry, what a cry, what a cry it's going to be... If I can stop to let it out, oh.

It's a cold and it's a broken...

For all the bleeding souls out there.

P.

Lost & Found

More often than not life takes away something. But then, it gives you something else. So I kinda lost you. And I got myself once again.

And damn, it feels good! I mean, knowing that you are whole without being in need of anything outside this moment, outside your own self.

I am free. In all the senses I want to be.

It's me again. ME. The selfish me. The me that needs spending time only with me. The me that enjoys equally the day's last cigarrette on the balcony on a summer night and a nice pleasantly melancholic conversation with an old friend.



I lost myself in you, long ago, in a different world, in a different age.



And now I am found once again. Love? I have lots of it, more than you can imagine. But should I spend it on you? It depends on YOU I guess (:

I will read books and I will live in my own highly private world. I will feel no need to share this world with anyone. I will watch movies and series, and I will listen to music, and I will furnish well this world of mine because what you left was not a mess - it was an empty home. But I am in it, finally, and I will start arranging, painting and tearing down walls. Real and mental ones.



HEY YOU! YES, YOU!



P.S. I know most probably you won't read this, or maybe you will when it's just a little bit late, when it has become nothing more than a bitter-sweet memory. But it doesn't matter. So, maybe I owe you a thank you. For all the things you gave and for all the things you took. For being there such a long time. For reminding me that I am the most important person to myself. Many thanks for being there for me, with all the bonuses and drawbacks. Take this as a goodbye. Not necessarily a goodbye to me, or us. But to a period of time in our lives. An epoch just ended. And a new one begins.


Saa ne... ;)