October in the Chair

'Put it like that,' said November, 'and I feel better. I suppose we can't help who we are.'

I.believe

“I can believe things that are true and I can believe things that aren’t true and I can believe things where nobody knows if they’re true or not. I can believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and Marilyn Monroe and the Beatles and Elvis and Mister Ed. Listen — I believe that people are perfectible, that knowledge is infinite, that the world is run by secret banking cartels and is visited by aliens on a regular basis, nice ones that look like wrinkledy lemurs and bad ones who mutilate cattle and want our water and our women. I believe that the future sucks and I believe that the future rocks and I believe that one day White Buffalo Woman is going to come back and kick everyone’s ass. I believe that all men are just overgrown boys with deep problems communicating and that the decline in good sex in America is coincident with the decline in drive-in movie theaters from state to state. I believe that all politicians are unprincipled crooks and I still believe that they are better than the alternative. I believe that California is going to sink into the sea when the big one comes, while Florida is going to dissolve into madness and alligators and toxic waste. I believe that antibacterial soap is destroying our resistance to dirt and disease so that one day we’ll all be wiped out by the common cold like the Martians in War of the Worlds. I believe that the greatest poets of the last century were Edith Sitwell and Don Marquis, that jade is dried dragon sperm, and that thousands of years ago in a former life I was a one-armed Siberian shaman. I believe that mankind’s destiny lies in the stars. I believe that candy really did taste better when I was a kid, that it’s aerodynamically impossible for a bumblebee to fly, that light is a wave and a particle, that there’s a cat in a box somewhere who’s alive and dead at the same time (although if they don’t ever open the box to feed it it’ll eventually just be two different kinds of dead), and that there are stars in the universe billions of years older than the universe itself. I believe in a personal god who cares about me and worries and oversees everything I do. I believe in an impersonal god who set the universe in motion and went off to hang with her girlfriends and doesn’t even know that I’m alive. I believe in an empty and godless universe of causal chaos, background noise, and sheer blind luck. I believe that anyone who says that sex is overrated just hasn’t done it properly. I believe that anyone who claims to know what’s going on will lie about the little things too. I believe in absolute honesty and sensible social lies. I believe in a woman’s right to choose, a baby’s right to live, that while all human life is sacred there’s nothing wrong with the death penalty if you can trust the legal system implicitly, and that no one but a moron would ever trust the legal system. I believe that life is a game, that life is a cruel joke, and that life is what happens when you’re alive and that you might as well lie back and enjoy it.”

N.G.

... and I will take full responsibility for my beliefs. (:

Късче спомен, късче сън

Ако имах къс хартия
И молив, химикалка даже,
Бих ви поднесла една картина –
Спомен чужд станал свой,
Защото какво друго е една картина?
Късче спомен, късче сън,
Оплетени в едно.
Лодка във море,
Полюшвана леко от вечните вълни.
Наляво – кей; със деца.
Скачат, викат.
Погледнеш ли от кея – долу дълбина,
Риби плуват смутено зарад детската игра.
Чиста красота...
На плажа няколко хавлии, тук – таме чадър;
Островче от другата страна.
Детски спомен обвит в мъгла –
Мъглата на ежедневието, на лицемерието,
Непрогледния облак на човешката суета.
Но легнеш ли вечер сам в старото легло,
Попило толкоз радост и тъга
И потопиш ли се дълбоко в този
Полу-сън, полу-спомен,
Ще намериш една топлина
Завинаги загубена, завинаги запазена.

Късче спомен, късче сън.

Heart of Darkness

"The point was in his being a gifted creature, and that of all his gifts the one that stood our pre-eminently, that carried with it a sense of real presence, was his ability to talk, his words - the gift of expression, the bewildering, the illuminating, the most exalted and the most contemptible, the pulsating stream of light, or the deceitful flow from the heart of an impenetrable darkness."

J.C.

Brokenheart

It's disgusting. And really, really sad. Just sitting in front of the laptop, staring with a blank look, utterly alone - not only in the God damn apartment, but in the whole world.

You can't share - your heart hurts when you meet the indifferent looks(and you realize that for others your look is the indifferent one). And it'd be good if you actually could share your thoughts and feelings with somebody, someone who would understand you, or at least try. I guess... I don't have anybody now. Come to think of it, from a couple of months I haven't had anyone, not only someone special, I haven't had anyone at all.

I guess... the tough part is yet to come. I have no idea what to do from now on. I can't even imagine being with someone different. I know that this will eventually pass, a couple of months or years from now but this is a really long time for me. Cause what is now is the important thing for me. And my now is unbearable.

I loved you with my whole heart, still do. And you were really nice to me. All those nasty things I've said countless times - this is all because I'm just me. I'm emotional. I get nasty when I'm hurt. I'm too proud. Way too proud. And when I hurt my pride I get even more nasty. I know. But I can't and I won't change; at least not on purpose. Change is something natural and gradual for me, I won't push it. I know, oh God, I know I'm million of miles away from what the nice girfriend idea consists of but... I can love with all my heart. And I give what I can. I try to understand, I really do. But when I'm left behind numerous times and mistreated in a way that if I complain I feel guilty... Well, I can't take it anymore. The bare thought of not being loved anymore and left behind for the nth time in a row. Well, it hurts. Real bad. That's why I'm trying to get away, to escape although even I realize how futile these attempts are.

I know I'm f*cking 20 and I know what the f*cking bastards are saying. I don't care. It's my life I'm living, not theirs so F*CK OFF! I know that I wanted to give you all I had and maybe just be together as a family. Cause families emerge from love. I'm idealistically stupid? I know but please don't advise when your advice is not wanted. Like this fucking bastard I've seen for a third time (actually the dude is pretty cool but it really pissed me off) - a couple of years older than me, thinking he's almighty (I know I sound like a 15-year-old whiny in her periods) and telling me that I don't have to chain myself and be so sure of what i feel just because I'm 20 and the world is in front of me. Well, what I've learned: sometimes things happen when least expected, good or bad, but lest - bring some major or minor change in your life. But this is rarely the case - the world is not in front of me, I am not yet to have the 10 bloodiest awesome years in my life. I've been through some shit, I've been through good times - as anybody else has! And I've already formed my personality, with which I am not particularly happy but this is another topic. I believe I am free to choose and take the consequences of my choices - if I want, I can get married on a whim, have a baby and live on child support; if I want I can pack my bag and go to China to grow rice or whatever. I got carried away, I know.

I am totally confused, expecting the biggest tremor of my life up to this point to occur any moment. And I sincerely do not know what to do. And this is it. I'll get dumped either for a couple of months or for good, but it doesn't matter really - I guess either way it will lead to the latter. And I'll have to deal with it. Somehow.

And still I have this nastily creeping feeling that I had it coming. Oh well... Maybe I did. After all, I'm only me - synonym for not good enough. I need to change myself. Easier said than done though.