Been thinking, speculating on this for far too long. And I mean far too long. It seems almost like an Eternity... Or two.
Things happened, people came and went and it's always the same - only the faces and the circumstances changed. I didn't. Time has stopped for me. A long time ago.
Lost it along the way. Don't know what exactly but... I feel its loss deep within me. Don't think there's anything or anyone to keep me here. I realize... I've stopped living, don't know when nor why. I just exist now.
Yes, I know it's gonna be an extremely selfish thing to do but ... Some people will understand, some won't. I don't care. Hah, Slapstick! Guess I've always been a pragmatist.
I never wanted it all. I just wanted a tiny little bit of it. But a REAL one. Guess we never had it. I always claim that I'm not sorry for this or that. The thing is that I'm so sorry for so many things in my life... And I found it best to accuse myself, don't believe I'm very far from the truth.
As my beloved Trent says, "I just want something I can never have". And even he doesn't know how right he is. I can't imagine myself, going through the years of emptiness, going through one big NOTHING and finally wake up and find out tomorrow I'll be gone. What was the point of it ? Of all the tiresome, mind-numbing, painful waiting ? None.
"Wishing life wouldn't be so long..."
I wonder... If it's just a matter of time now ? I guess it is. 'Cause I'm just a stranger, a roamer... And you are the same.
Before last.
"Трябваше - а сега стоя като някоя старица, която събира дървата си от оградите и хляба си по вратните, за да облекчи и продължи още за един миг своето ужасяващо, безрадостно съществуване."
This may continue a few days more... Or 2, maybe 20 years... But I think I just burned away too fast. And now I fade to grey. Slowly and surely. Thanks for the book, A. Love ya. It was the thing I needed. Brilliant. Thank you. For everything. I'm sorry...
May God have mercy on our dirty little hearts.
