Now is forever

We are not even allowed to be crazy. We can’t be crazy. There is always someone to think about. Someone to care about. Someone to live for. The notion of the choice we have is just a freckle of imagination. We can’t die if we want to. Cause there is always someone we have to live for. Someone we have to love.

We do not have a choice. Life is obligatory.

But sometimes we have to die. Even if we don’t want to. To show the people we love the contrast. Between life and death. So that they can appreciate life. So that they can be, if not happy, reminded of happiness.

And yet at the same time we live with the fear, the enormous fear of demolishing ourselves. Or, even worse, the ones we love being send to oblivion; into the eternal darkness.

It’s a closed cycle. There’s no escaping. The only truth is the truth of the moment. What we feel, how we see. Everything outside now is irrelevant. There is nothing but now. Now is forever.

*The Hours

Neverwhere

When have I started hating and loving so fiercely? I don't whant these stupid feelings. But I'm afraid I'd have nothing left if I tried to throw them away. Nothing - emptiness and apathy. I'd be hollow. The worse is that I'm not sure which is the better alternative.

I'd kill you gladly. Or would I? No, I don't think I would. I want to sometimes but after all... I let you go. You didn't come back and I doubt that you will.

There are so many people that die every day prematurely. People that want to live. Why not spare them, shapeless and midnless and cruel being? Take the ones who wish life no more and save the ones who are happy and want to continue on their way! Take me.

Darkness there, and nothing more... is all I see.

Neverwhere. That's where I am.

An empty bed in an empty room.

Сама съм и трябва да се науча (отново) да живея сама. През всяка секунда от деня мисълта, че съм сама трябва да е с мен. Защото иначе няма как да спра да се надявам, а ако се надявам... Няма да дочакам нищо. Ще са празни надежди. А надеждата и вярата са ми толкова оскъдни в момента, че не мисля, че мога да ги пропилявам.

Живея сама. През по-голямата част от деня няма на кого да кажа и една дума. Но така е по-добре може би. Единственият проблем е, че обстановката предразполага мислене, мисленето извиква спомени, а спомените - болка. Може би след време ще се променят нещата, или аз ще ги променя по-точно. Но не днес, не сега.

Толкова искам да пътувам. Да видя света: черно-бял или цветен, пуст или гъмжащ, тъжен или страстен... Но не искам, не мога сама. А няма с кой. Дори преди нямаше с кой. И това ми разбива сърцето (колко още...). Аз съм си виновна. Дано се ((по))(на)уча от грешките си - да не ги повтарям; да се променя. А е толкова трудно да се промениш... Особено когато обичаш.

П.П. Вече имам цяла спалня само за себе си. Както преди. Но сега ще спя по средата. Saa nee...

Wound Red

I can hear the same voice calling crying out from my heart. And that cry, what a cry, what a cry it's going to be... If I can stop to let it out, oh.

It's a cold and it's a broken...

For all the bleeding souls out there.

P.

Lost & Found

More often than not life takes away something. But then, it gives you something else. So I kinda lost you. And I got myself once again.

And damn, it feels good! I mean, knowing that you are whole without being in need of anything outside this moment, outside your own self.

I am free. In all the senses I want to be.

It's me again. ME. The selfish me. The me that needs spending time only with me. The me that enjoys equally the day's last cigarrette on the balcony on a summer night and a nice pleasantly melancholic conversation with an old friend.



I lost myself in you, long ago, in a different world, in a different age.



And now I am found once again. Love? I have lots of it, more than you can imagine. But should I spend it on you? It depends on YOU I guess (:

I will read books and I will live in my own highly private world. I will feel no need to share this world with anyone. I will watch movies and series, and I will listen to music, and I will furnish well this world of mine because what you left was not a mess - it was an empty home. But I am in it, finally, and I will start arranging, painting and tearing down walls. Real and mental ones.



HEY YOU! YES, YOU!



P.S. I know most probably you won't read this, or maybe you will when it's just a little bit late, when it has become nothing more than a bitter-sweet memory. But it doesn't matter. So, maybe I owe you a thank you. For all the things you gave and for all the things you took. For being there such a long time. For reminding me that I am the most important person to myself. Many thanks for being there for me, with all the bonuses and drawbacks. Take this as a goodbye. Not necessarily a goodbye to me, or us. But to a period of time in our lives. An epoch just ended. And a new one begins.


Saa ne... ;)

Heima

Може би винаги съм го знаела, но чак сега го осъзнах. Стаята ми, моята си стая, и бившата ми такава, но най-вече сегашната, е един музей. Музей на спомените. Пълно е с безполезни в чуждите очи дрънкулки, хартийки, играчки, картинки, снимки... Но те са моята история, те са моето сърце. Хората, които съм обичала и вече не са в живота ми. Нито аз в техния. Всяка вещ си има история, която мога да разкажа като приказка за лека нощ. Разликата е, че почти никога не свършват с щастлив край. Като се огледам наоколо ме заливат спомените. Чудя се понякога защо хората си заминаха. Пораснахме, отдалечихме се, вече дори не си говорим. Изобщо. Но те винаги ще имат място в сърцето ми. И не сте малко, хора, не сте. Не искам да е както беше, не е сълзливата носталгия по отминалите времена: и днес е добре. Отдавна не го бях казвала. Да, днешният ден беше хубав. И утрешният ще е хубав. И сега си имам специалните моменти. Но някак си го знам, знам го с цялото си същество, че всяко място, което в бъдеще ще мога да нарека дом, ще е съзнателно или не конструирано по същия начин. Музеят на сърцето ми. И затова от известно време не каня всеки вкъщи. И само ти можеш да пристъпваш в него със същата походка като мен. Помогни ми да го поддържам, да го доизградя. Не се превръщай в част от него. Моля те.

To be read to the accompaniment of D. Matthews: Grace is gone. It’s just the right mood.

October in the Chair

'Put it like that,' said November, 'and I feel better. I suppose we can't help who we are.'

I.believe

“I can believe things that are true and I can believe things that aren’t true and I can believe things where nobody knows if they’re true or not. I can believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and Marilyn Monroe and the Beatles and Elvis and Mister Ed. Listen — I believe that people are perfectible, that knowledge is infinite, that the world is run by secret banking cartels and is visited by aliens on a regular basis, nice ones that look like wrinkledy lemurs and bad ones who mutilate cattle and want our water and our women. I believe that the future sucks and I believe that the future rocks and I believe that one day White Buffalo Woman is going to come back and kick everyone’s ass. I believe that all men are just overgrown boys with deep problems communicating and that the decline in good sex in America is coincident with the decline in drive-in movie theaters from state to state. I believe that all politicians are unprincipled crooks and I still believe that they are better than the alternative. I believe that California is going to sink into the sea when the big one comes, while Florida is going to dissolve into madness and alligators and toxic waste. I believe that antibacterial soap is destroying our resistance to dirt and disease so that one day we’ll all be wiped out by the common cold like the Martians in War of the Worlds. I believe that the greatest poets of the last century were Edith Sitwell and Don Marquis, that jade is dried dragon sperm, and that thousands of years ago in a former life I was a one-armed Siberian shaman. I believe that mankind’s destiny lies in the stars. I believe that candy really did taste better when I was a kid, that it’s aerodynamically impossible for a bumblebee to fly, that light is a wave and a particle, that there’s a cat in a box somewhere who’s alive and dead at the same time (although if they don’t ever open the box to feed it it’ll eventually just be two different kinds of dead), and that there are stars in the universe billions of years older than the universe itself. I believe in a personal god who cares about me and worries and oversees everything I do. I believe in an impersonal god who set the universe in motion and went off to hang with her girlfriends and doesn’t even know that I’m alive. I believe in an empty and godless universe of causal chaos, background noise, and sheer blind luck. I believe that anyone who says that sex is overrated just hasn’t done it properly. I believe that anyone who claims to know what’s going on will lie about the little things too. I believe in absolute honesty and sensible social lies. I believe in a woman’s right to choose, a baby’s right to live, that while all human life is sacred there’s nothing wrong with the death penalty if you can trust the legal system implicitly, and that no one but a moron would ever trust the legal system. I believe that life is a game, that life is a cruel joke, and that life is what happens when you’re alive and that you might as well lie back and enjoy it.”

N.G.

... and I will take full responsibility for my beliefs. (:

Късче спомен, късче сън

Ако имах къс хартия
И молив, химикалка даже,
Бих ви поднесла една картина –
Спомен чужд станал свой,
Защото какво друго е една картина?
Късче спомен, късче сън,
Оплетени в едно.
Лодка във море,
Полюшвана леко от вечните вълни.
Наляво – кей; със деца.
Скачат, викат.
Погледнеш ли от кея – долу дълбина,
Риби плуват смутено зарад детската игра.
Чиста красота...
На плажа няколко хавлии, тук – таме чадър;
Островче от другата страна.
Детски спомен обвит в мъгла –
Мъглата на ежедневието, на лицемерието,
Непрогледния облак на човешката суета.
Но легнеш ли вечер сам в старото легло,
Попило толкоз радост и тъга
И потопиш ли се дълбоко в този
Полу-сън, полу-спомен,
Ще намериш една топлина
Завинаги загубена, завинаги запазена.

Късче спомен, късче сън.

Heart of Darkness

"The point was in his being a gifted creature, and that of all his gifts the one that stood our pre-eminently, that carried with it a sense of real presence, was his ability to talk, his words - the gift of expression, the bewildering, the illuminating, the most exalted and the most contemptible, the pulsating stream of light, or the deceitful flow from the heart of an impenetrable darkness."

J.C.

Brokenheart

It's disgusting. And really, really sad. Just sitting in front of the laptop, staring with a blank look, utterly alone - not only in the God damn apartment, but in the whole world.

You can't share - your heart hurts when you meet the indifferent looks(and you realize that for others your look is the indifferent one). And it'd be good if you actually could share your thoughts and feelings with somebody, someone who would understand you, or at least try. I guess... I don't have anybody now. Come to think of it, from a couple of months I haven't had anyone, not only someone special, I haven't had anyone at all.

I guess... the tough part is yet to come. I have no idea what to do from now on. I can't even imagine being with someone different. I know that this will eventually pass, a couple of months or years from now but this is a really long time for me. Cause what is now is the important thing for me. And my now is unbearable.

I loved you with my whole heart, still do. And you were really nice to me. All those nasty things I've said countless times - this is all because I'm just me. I'm emotional. I get nasty when I'm hurt. I'm too proud. Way too proud. And when I hurt my pride I get even more nasty. I know. But I can't and I won't change; at least not on purpose. Change is something natural and gradual for me, I won't push it. I know, oh God, I know I'm million of miles away from what the nice girfriend idea consists of but... I can love with all my heart. And I give what I can. I try to understand, I really do. But when I'm left behind numerous times and mistreated in a way that if I complain I feel guilty... Well, I can't take it anymore. The bare thought of not being loved anymore and left behind for the nth time in a row. Well, it hurts. Real bad. That's why I'm trying to get away, to escape although even I realize how futile these attempts are.

I know I'm f*cking 20 and I know what the f*cking bastards are saying. I don't care. It's my life I'm living, not theirs so F*CK OFF! I know that I wanted to give you all I had and maybe just be together as a family. Cause families emerge from love. I'm idealistically stupid? I know but please don't advise when your advice is not wanted. Like this fucking bastard I've seen for a third time (actually the dude is pretty cool but it really pissed me off) - a couple of years older than me, thinking he's almighty (I know I sound like a 15-year-old whiny in her periods) and telling me that I don't have to chain myself and be so sure of what i feel just because I'm 20 and the world is in front of me. Well, what I've learned: sometimes things happen when least expected, good or bad, but lest - bring some major or minor change in your life. But this is rarely the case - the world is not in front of me, I am not yet to have the 10 bloodiest awesome years in my life. I've been through some shit, I've been through good times - as anybody else has! And I've already formed my personality, with which I am not particularly happy but this is another topic. I believe I am free to choose and take the consequences of my choices - if I want, I can get married on a whim, have a baby and live on child support; if I want I can pack my bag and go to China to grow rice or whatever. I got carried away, I know.

I am totally confused, expecting the biggest tremor of my life up to this point to occur any moment. And I sincerely do not know what to do. And this is it. I'll get dumped either for a couple of months or for good, but it doesn't matter really - I guess either way it will lead to the latter. And I'll have to deal with it. Somehow.

And still I have this nastily creeping feeling that I had it coming. Oh well... Maybe I did. After all, I'm only me - synonym for not good enough. I need to change myself. Easier said than done though.

This is what you came to see

I don't believe in New Year's Resolve. Honestly, I'm not rather sure, cause I've never done it before but i guess it takes a strong will for it to actually work out. So after three abominable months of the year have passed, I'm done with my resolve(s) for 2011, 2012, 2013(eventually?) etc until i'm sick of it(them). So, here it goes:

I. Look another year went by,
They keep passing by...
God damn, I didn't even die!

II. I woke up and I had a big idea-
To buy a new soul at the start of every year.
I paid up and it cost me pretty dear,
Here's a hymn to those that disappear.

Yes, i feel I'm kinda returning to my old habits again, the more independent and fatalistic ones maybe.

I've got a pair of Gohills boots, and I got fading roots...

Change coming?

… and then I look around and wonder: Is this my life? Seriously?!

But this is life, man. I wanna change it to something better, something different. You find yourself unable, helpless even to do whatever there is to be done. Rather, you do not know what is there to be done. You just… lose yourself in the same old, same old. In the indifference and sadness. In the loneliness. In the helplessness. In the despair. In the abyss of your inner nothing. You just sit and wait. For what? The cruel thing is you know it. Sometimes you say to yourself: “Okay, I can do this. I can change things. I can do whatever I want.” The truth is, you can’t. Lack of courage. Lack of motivation. And even if you do something, something big, that you’d thought it’d make a difference… Well, it wouldn’t. Because it’s still you. Only you.

We can change things. Some day… Any day. How it’d feel like no one knows.