It's disgusting. And really, really sad. Just sitting in front of the laptop, staring with a blank look, utterly alone - not only in the God damn apartment, but in the whole world.
You can't share - your heart hurts when you meet the indifferent looks(and you realize that for others your look is the indifferent one). And it'd be good if you actually could share your thoughts and feelings with somebody, someone who would understand you, or at least try. I guess... I don't have anybody now. Come to think of it, from a couple of months I haven't had anyone, not only someone special, I haven't had anyone at all.
I guess... the tough part is yet to come. I have no idea what to do from now on. I can't even imagine being with someone different. I know that this will eventually pass, a couple of months or years from now but this is a really long time for me. Cause what is now is the important thing for me. And my now is unbearable.
I loved you with my whole heart, still do. And you were really nice to me. All those nasty things I've said countless times - this is all because I'm just me. I'm emotional. I get nasty when I'm hurt. I'm too proud. Way too proud. And when I hurt my pride I get even more nasty. I know. But I can't and I won't change; at least not on purpose. Change is something natural and gradual for me, I won't push it. I know, oh God, I know I'm million of miles away from what the nice girfriend idea consists of but... I can love with all my heart. And I give what I can. I try to understand, I really do. But when I'm left behind numerous times and mistreated in a way that if I complain I feel guilty... Well, I can't take it anymore. The bare thought of not being loved anymore and left behind for the nth time in a row. Well, it hurts. Real bad. That's why I'm trying to get away, to escape although even I realize how futile these attempts are.
I know I'm f*cking 20 and I know what the f*cking bastards are saying. I don't care. It's my life I'm living, not theirs so F*CK OFF! I know that I wanted to give you all I had and maybe just be together as a family. Cause families emerge from love. I'm idealistically stupid? I know but please don't advise when your advice is not wanted. Like this fucking bastard I've seen for a third time (actually the dude is pretty cool but it really pissed me off) - a couple of years older than me, thinking he's almighty (I know I sound like a 15-year-old whiny in her periods) and telling me that I don't have to chain myself and be so sure of what i feel just because I'm 20 and the world is in front of me. Well, what I've learned: sometimes things happen when least expected, good or bad, but lest - bring some major or minor change in your life. But this is rarely the case - the world is not in front of me, I am not yet to have the 10 bloodiest awesome years in my life. I've been through some shit, I've been through good times - as anybody else has! And I've already formed my personality, with which I am not particularly happy but this is another topic. I believe I am free to choose and take the consequences of my choices - if I want, I can get married on a whim, have a baby and live on child support; if I want I can pack my bag and go to China to grow rice or whatever. I got carried away, I know.
I am totally confused, expecting the biggest tremor of my life up to this point to occur any moment. And I sincerely do not know what to do. And this is it. I'll get dumped either for a couple of months or for good, but it doesn't matter really - I guess either way it will lead to the latter. And I'll have to deal with it. Somehow.
And still I have this nastily creeping feeling that I had it coming. Oh well... Maybe I did. After all, I'm only me - synonym for not good enough. I need to change myself. Easier said than done though.
