-Казах ти вече, остави ме на мира !
-Няма.
-Идиот...
-Не е невъзможно. А сега пак към въпроса: защо мислиш така ?
-Какво, дявол те взел, ти влиза това в работата ?! Мисля така заради ред неща. Докажи ми че не мисля правилно ! Не можеш, нали ?! Нямаш силни доводи... Като се замисля май изобщо нямаш доводи. Така че, ако обичаш, остави ме да правя и да мисля каквото си знам.
-Защо ?
-Виж кфо... Имам работа и никакво време да се занимавам с индивиди като твоя милост. Довиждане.
-Работа ? Хм, чудя се каква... Сега, както всеки друг ден, ще поемеш по познатия път към дома, и докато вървиш ще се чудиш какво по дяволите правиш още тука, след като няма абсолютно нищо, което да те задържа. Ще подминаваш познатите до болка сгради, и със всяка крачка ще умираш по малко. Всеки ден е така, нали ? Ще се прибереш, ще захвърлиш нещата си наоколо и ще се затвориш в онази малка сива кутийка, притискаща те от всички страни. Няма да пуснеш щората на големия прозорец, защото гледайки през него чувстваш някаква свобода, илюзия че скоро може да ти израстнат крила и да полетиш. Но знаеш, че няма да стане. Където и да отидеш, ти ще си си пак ти, и демоните ти ще те следват по петите. Даже и нови ще намериш. И каквото и да правиш, каквото и да струваш, знаеш че нищо няма да се промени. Светът ти няма да се промени. И тази мисъл те съсипва. Нали ? Търсиш сродна душа, и намираш души по пътя, но не и сродни. Разбиваш животи. Осъзнаваш че си сам. Осъзнаваш, че ще умреш сам. Разочарован си и разочароваш хората наоколо. Вътрешно си мечтаеш на никой да не му пука особено за теб, и колкото и да го отричаш пред себе си, несъзнателно се сремиш към това. Тогава може би ще си свободен, когато си и физически, и психически сам. Няма вериги. Мразиш веригите. Те те задържат, те не ти дават пълната свобода. А ако успееш да се освободиш от тях, се чудиш какво ще стане. Дали ще се превърнеш в един от Ницшевите "свободни духове", дали ще откриеш нещо... А ако нищо не откриеш и нищо не се промени, ще се признаеш ли за победен от живота ? Може би. Откъде знам всичко това ? Знам, брат, знам. Знам, защото съм плод на мислите ти; както и ти на моите. Знам. И ти знаеш всичко за мен. И знаеш горчивата истина.
-Да, знам я.
-Тогава какво правиш още тука след като я знаеш ?!
- Каквото знам да правя най-добре - да стискам зъби. Лек ден, брат.
събота, 27 септември 2008 г.
вторник, 2 септември 2008 г.
The Vast Ocean
И те така... Да започна с една мисъл, която се усуква из съзнанието ми от няколко дни насам. Един близък на сърцето ми човек сподели (не претендирам за точен цитат) : "Не бяхме ли точно като рибки в аквариум там ? Изолирано късче от света, но в него намирах всичко, което ми трябваше. Реалността беше някъде там, отвъд стъклото. Времето беше спряло... Бях щастлив." Но слънчевите лъчи се изкривяват от стъклото, разбира се. Абсолютно съгласна съм с горната мисъл. Не е ли точно това щастието, бягство от реалността ? Бях сляпа, да, но ми беше добре. Трябва ли постоянно да съм на системи, трябва ли да потъна в изкуственото и всичко да се размие наоколо та да оформи една картина ? Картина на блаженство. Но така съм като късоглед без очила - не виждам ясно нещата, които попринцип, както се казва, "ще ме плеснат по челото" . Не искам ! Не ! В изкуствена среда животът съответно е изкусвен. Всичко е тихо, спокойно, монотонно. Блаженна летаргия със едно постоянно чувство на сигурност и задоволство. Но няма живот, няма тръпка. Предпочитам горчивата реалност пред това. Съжалявам, не мога така. Да, никога няма да бъде същото както беше там - просто изляхме от аквариума и се върнахме към добрият стар океан. Където има вълнение, течение, прибой, прилив и отлив. Но не и изкусвен. Където живота е суров, но ако пожелаеш можеш да поемеш на път - да си свободен един вид. И когато открием щастието в този океан, дори само за миг, то тогава ще е истинско. Ще е неповторимо. И когато теб те завлече южното течение, а мен - северното, и безкрайната шир ни раздели - не забравяй че все пак, някъде, някога ще се видим - променени, израстнали или деградирали; задружни; самотни; ранени ... Някъде, някога. Нека изберем океана пред аквариума, живота е там. Знаеш моят път, ще се присъединиш ли, или ще продължиш вечният сън докато часовникът тиктака ?
понеделник, 11 август 2008 г.
Chaos Theory
Това изисква един подобаващ отговор, нали приятелю ?
„Ти знаеш всичко.Ти си широко отворено и в същото време-оковано.Скоро ще разрешим този проблем,не се притеснявай.Засега ще си живеем със затворени очи,в перфектна хармония,така ни е лесно.
Е,приятелю,шайн он!”
Аз съм. Да спрем дотука, а ? Ти реши какво ще съществува и какво няма, какво ще се зароди отново и какво ще умре. Безграничната свобода носи и едно малко семенце. Семенце със самота, гордост, предразсъдък – каквото решиш. И колкото и да е малко това конкретно семенце, то безвъзвратно разваля цялостната картина. А доколко можем да говорим за безгранична свобода пак е твърде относително. Когато ми кажеш, че си свободен, аз ще ти кажа, че съм Бог. И двете са потенциални истини.
Проблемът сме ние. Това, което си мислим, че сме, че не сме; че имаме, че нямаме; че можем и не можем. А перфектната хармония е някъде там, където е и перфектната симетрия, малко се припокриват може би. Или не ? Или просто и двете липсват, who knows ?
Лесно е да си мислим, че мислим. Трудно е да осъществим процеса „мислене”. А може би най-страшното е, че си мислим, че можем да мислим, от което пък следва илюзията за познание, което води до задълбочаване. А нещата са просто такива, каквито са – нито повече, нито по-малко.
събота, 26 юли 2008 г.
Red, blue, green
No matter what happens now I shouldn't be afraid 'cause...
"Yes, I shouldn't be afraid - I've survived till now and I'll keep surviving, won't I ? " said he while sitting on the grass on his own listening to the song. There was nobody around, it was always like this. It wasn't his thing to think bout stuff like what he's gonna eat tonight - pizza or a burger, what time he's getting home, what will X and X2 say etc. "This world, " he thought, "is nothing more than a cinema - you buy yourself a ticket, you get inside, sit there as you were told to, wait until the movie is over, and you go away. And then another movie starts, other people watch it and they do exactly the same. And our life is this damn movie - sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad, we can't say 'cause we haven't watched it yet... "
Some people thought he was strange but clever. Other thought he was also strange but dumb. Actually he was nothing special except the fact that he could think. Nowadays very few people can think. And this is a problem, isn't it now ?
He also loved the simple enjoyments he could find - a can of Coke, lying on the grass under the sun, an apple maybe... Today was like any other day. The sun was laughing from up there, maybe thinking how funny peope are, and it was absolutely the same - the sun never ever changes. The clouds were floating, the people rushed from point A to point B... Everything was the same.
And he was doing what he liked doing - lying on the grass, listening to something, enjoying the simple things, thinking. But it was time to go now, time to go home. And he stood up, got his bag from the ground and slowly walked towards the gate of the park. And while walking he saw a writing on a tree - "Bill was here" . And he answered with something like a smile on his face, "Well, I was here too."
He got out of the park and stopped at the red light.
He tought "Red, blue, green..." .
He was the only pedestrian on the sidewalk. Then a car, out of control, smashed his little body, a body of a twelve-year-old boy.
Some people leave the cinema earlier, they just had a meeting they simply couldn't miss.
"Yes, I shouldn't be afraid - I've survived till now and I'll keep surviving, won't I ? " said he while sitting on the grass on his own listening to the song. There was nobody around, it was always like this. It wasn't his thing to think bout stuff like what he's gonna eat tonight - pizza or a burger, what time he's getting home, what will X and X2 say etc. "This world, " he thought, "is nothing more than a cinema - you buy yourself a ticket, you get inside, sit there as you were told to, wait until the movie is over, and you go away. And then another movie starts, other people watch it and they do exactly the same. And our life is this damn movie - sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad, we can't say 'cause we haven't watched it yet... "
Some people thought he was strange but clever. Other thought he was also strange but dumb. Actually he was nothing special except the fact that he could think. Nowadays very few people can think. And this is a problem, isn't it now ?
He also loved the simple enjoyments he could find - a can of Coke, lying on the grass under the sun, an apple maybe... Today was like any other day. The sun was laughing from up there, maybe thinking how funny peope are, and it was absolutely the same - the sun never ever changes. The clouds were floating, the people rushed from point A to point B... Everything was the same.
And he was doing what he liked doing - lying on the grass, listening to something, enjoying the simple things, thinking. But it was time to go now, time to go home. And he stood up, got his bag from the ground and slowly walked towards the gate of the park. And while walking he saw a writing on a tree - "Bill was here" . And he answered with something like a smile on his face, "Well, I was here too."
He got out of the park and stopped at the red light.
He tought "Red, blue, green..." .
He was the only pedestrian on the sidewalk. Then a car, out of control, smashed his little body, a body of a twelve-year-old boy.
Some people leave the cinema earlier, they just had a meeting they simply couldn't miss.
сряда, 16 юли 2008 г.
Something like nothing. Or summary.
Some people say that the morning is wiser than the night. I don't agree, not at all :)
I'll write this blog in English, I definitely need to practise it and so on.
Something like nothing. Or summary.
So things are going quite well for me lately. Trying to look objectively, I realize I don't lack anything important at this stage - I'm going straight ahead, not looking back, no Mam. I've went through some drops in the last 6 months, and now when life is calming down and I'm feeling a solid ground under my feet, I want to congratulate myself for being such an imperturbable prick, and I want to thank some people - the ones who were there for me when I needed support (I sincerely hope I wasn't a pain in the ass at that time), and the ones who were also there for pretty much of the time but drew back when they felt like it. I appreciate everyone's attention and support, and just wanted say that I won't let you down when you need a light in the pitch darkness. ;)
I've changed. Again. A lot. The last month's crises was mainly because of this: the old must learn to live with the new; and for few weeks the doubts were immense, jumping from one extreme to another. But as I said, things are calming down, slowly but positively - in my head, and at home. And I can feel the summer rushing through my veins, and I feel pretty happy right now, no matter how transitional this feeling is ^^
I want to say a really big "Thank you" to X for being behind my back and being ready to listen, and I pray to the Lord that soon I'll develop the idea I just got so we can start working on it. Who knows, we can have a really pretty art-baby, but it needs lots of cares though. Time will show :)
I'm older now but with no doubt more mature. Another year around the sun has passed, and I'm feeling the merciless time tick-tick-ticking away. But it's just the way the things go, and I'll do my best to fulfill it. And I'll try to bring at least some enjoyable emotions in my close-ones' lives :)
With A Little Help From My Friends
by The Beatles
(tup-tup)
I'll write this blog in English, I definitely need to practise it and so on.
Something like nothing. Or summary.
So things are going quite well for me lately. Trying to look objectively, I realize I don't lack anything important at this stage - I'm going straight ahead, not looking back, no Mam. I've went through some drops in the last 6 months, and now when life is calming down and I'm feeling a solid ground under my feet, I want to congratulate myself for being such an imperturbable prick, and I want to thank some people - the ones who were there for me when I needed support (I sincerely hope I wasn't a pain in the ass at that time), and the ones who were also there for pretty much of the time but drew back when they felt like it. I appreciate everyone's attention and support, and just wanted say that I won't let you down when you need a light in the pitch darkness. ;)
I've changed. Again. A lot. The last month's crises was mainly because of this: the old must learn to live with the new; and for few weeks the doubts were immense, jumping from one extreme to another. But as I said, things are calming down, slowly but positively - in my head, and at home. And I can feel the summer rushing through my veins, and I feel pretty happy right now, no matter how transitional this feeling is ^^
I want to say a really big "Thank you" to X for being behind my back and being ready to listen, and I pray to the Lord that soon I'll develop the idea I just got so we can start working on it. Who knows, we can have a really pretty art-baby, but it needs lots of cares though. Time will show :)
I'm older now but with no doubt more mature. Another year around the sun has passed, and I'm feeling the merciless time tick-tick-ticking away. But it's just the way the things go, and I'll do my best to fulfill it. And I'll try to bring at least some enjoyable emotions in my close-ones' lives :)
With A Little Help From My Friends
by The Beatles
(tup-tup)
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